The Virgin Saga

The Virgin saga.

The background:
When I came back from Japan in March 2006 I got a phone and signed up with Virgin Mobile. Every month I received a bill for $24. Two years go by and someone from Virgin catches me when I’m not really paying attention and says that my 2 year plan is about to expire and that they would like to upgrade me. I do a voice contract and I’m told that if I cancel my account within 6 months I’m liable for up to $200 on the free phone that they are sending me. If I was paying attention I would have said no, because I was leaving the country at the start of July, but I didn’t think of that until I hung up the phone.

I leave, I give my mum the money to pay for the outstanding months, and on December 12 2008 I’m able to cancel it (mum tried, but couldn’t get through because she’s not me and they wouldn’t accept anyone else cancelling my phone).

Well, Virgin screwed up. They sent me bill after bill and finally a final notice of $105.70 because I owe money on the handset. Oisin ignores this until threats of legal action come his way, and decides to burn a large hole through his skype account. He calls Virgin.

The call:
I enter some stupid information, from my name, date of birthday, account number, account pin code, billing address, and then they don’t understand why I don’t know my phone number. I tell them it’s because I have a new phone number and they transfer me from ‘collections’ to ‘customer service’.

I enter similar stupid information, and get a real dumbass of a girl who doesn’t understand what the hell she’s doing. I had my computer up and running because I had the final notice scanned and all of the info up in MS Word, while sitting next to my cute girlfriend and I decided to record some of the events for their funny nature.

Here go my comments:

SHE IS STUPID.
She doesn’t know why I’m calling or how to help me.

Oisin: “I don’t believe that this bill is correct and I believe that Virgin made an error.”
“Virgin made an error?” she says, disbelieving me.

“Hang on sir, let me check.”
“I’m still checking.”
(I don’t know what I’m doing, I just work part time)

I repeat the whole thing again, and she needs to tap away at her computer.
“Okay, I’m going to check that.”

Long pauses while she does nothing.
“One moment please sir,”
(I want to transfer this guy to our loyalty team)

She comes back.
“Hello?”
Oisin: Yes.
“Just checking, sir”

“Let me just put you on hold for a minute or two, we need to verify something”
AKA “I’m going to speak to someone who knows what to do. Coz I know shit.”

- so far we’re up to 12 minutes of conversation, which began with my giving lots of details to one girl who had a nice voice, and then I was transfered to a girl with a not nice voice. I want the nice voiced girl back, she seemed useful and competent. The new girl doesn’t understand why I don’t know my phone number.

They ask my new phone number in case they need to contact me and seem aghast that I’m in Spain. So I give them the number. They then ask for the Spanish area code, I don’t know it, so Andrea said “81”. It turns out that it’s the code for Japan. God my girlfriend rocks. Then they ask what my area code is and I tell them that it’s a mobile and that mobiles don’t have area codes (surely a mobile phone company would know this).

Then the shock: despite me cancelling the phone on December 12 2008, Virgin cancelled it on January 14, allowing for another billing cycle to commence.

The girl still doesn’t know why I’m disputing the $105.70 because it’s clearly on my bill. She says that monies (she doesn’t use that word, since she doesn’t know it, but I’m using it for clarity) are owed on the January bill. I tell her that I’ve been out of Australia since July, I have my phone and SIM card, and that no one was using my phone in January, especially since I cancelled it in December.

She has a lisp. And she stutters.
And she can’t think straight.
“Let me check here.”
“I’m just trying to pull up the invoice.”
“One moment sir.”
(It’s too early for this shit, I need a coffee, I can’t get a boyfriend, no one likes me, I think I’m gonna be fired, I’ll lose my mortgage, and my cat needs surgery to fix his nose).

And now she’s gone quiet again.
Still quiet.
I’m running out of credit on skype. I started off with €9.00.

She is getting quite annoyed with me, and can’t understand that March – December is outside of 6 months. I finally ask if there is someone in Contracts that I can speak to.

She transfers me.
(You should have heard the relief in her voice).
She was just repeating the same information over again and getting quite flustered about it.

We’re up to 24 minutes now. First is a heavy metal song. Nothing tells a customer that they are not wanted like heavy metal during ‘hold’.
At 31 minutes:

New girl. She sounds nice. But she’s put me on hold.
Luckily, she sounds like she knows her stuff and sounds quite helpful.

I check my rapidly running out money. At 43 minutes I’m out, so now it’s a race. Who’ll drop out first? I bet it’ll be me.

Then she comes back and seems competent again. Here is as close as to what she said, because I typed it down as she was speaking and still had it in my head when she hung up.

“Yep, I’ll take care of that, the $105 should not be a problem, you don’t actually owe us anything since you’re no longer with Virgin. Is there anything else I can help with? Have a good day.”

Done at 33 minutes. Cost of call €7.00