What happened to Heroes?

I saw the new episode of Heroes. It's crap. I was never a crazy fan-boy when the show first came out. I always thought that it had potential, but it’s sad that it has never realised it's potential. I have faith that the show can be saved, but really it HAS to be saved. I might be just one more episode away from “this is ridiculous, I don’t care, I have better things to waste my time with.”

Here’s why.

Nathan Petrelli is a category five moron with no balls. He’s manipulated by his mother every step of the way, he goes from one extreme to the other on an episode-by-episode basis, from “we’re freaks” to “we can save the world” to “I’ve just been shot and I have found God” to “we’re not angels?” to “we can save the world” to “dad’s trying to kill us, let’s join him” to “I will have an army of supermen!” to “you destroyed my army! All supermen must die!” to “except me and my daughter” to “mum, do you still think this is a good idea?” He also doesn’t think that a random eclipse is anything special, even when his powers are gone. “I can’t fly, it all happened when that eclipse started, but I’m sure that’s not the reason.” Moron.

Parkman. Was a cop, was fired. Became a bodyguard. Became a cop again. Expanded his powers (which for a telepath to adapt to mind control is reasonable) to being able to draw and paint the future which is hackneyed and CRAP! One minute he can’t do it, the next he can. The writers are idiots. If they can explain why it happens when he first develops these things, then they’re off the hook. But to leave it for later is stalling and robbing the audience of their suspension of disbelief. It’s about as logical as Clarice Starling becoming a cannibal and living with Hannibal Lecter. He also doesn’t realise that these premonitions happen because he helps them happen. “Oh no! My girlfriend is going to die! Admittedly she can outrun a bullet but if I slow her down long enough and talk to her in the middle of a hotspot we’ll be okay.”

Tracy. She’ll backstab everyone, and yet they all trust her. But she’s sexy, so I forgive her and everyone else. Although unless they arrest the third sister soon then it’ll just be stupid and lazy thinking on the writers’ part.

Mohinder. Good guy to jealous guy to Quasi-Modo to good guy again and everyone forgets that he tried to rape their powers.

Noah Bennet. First season was okay. Second season was alright. But he’s betrayed his daughter a dozen times, changed his job and allegence a dozen times and is still trying to tell Claire that he’s doing it all to give her a normal life.

Claire. Has no friends, her family are trying to kill her and / or control her. The writers don’t know what to do with her so they stick her in every situation and then she gets to whine. She should run away and start a sexy detective agency. Hire Micah and Molly and the three of them will find everyone. Also, I’m pretty sure that her dads and Peter have told her in every episode “I’m doing this to protect you,” or some other variation. I bet if she were to die those other three characters wouldn’t have much to do.

Ando and Hiro. They rock, except that Ando say’s “Hiro” a lot.

Syler. Boo hoo. “I’m a killer but I’m tortured.” He should be more like Spike from Buffy. “I’m a bad guy, I’m a killer, and I LOVE IT!”

Peter. “Before I say anything I need to consult my trusty book of clichés.”

Everyone changes their lives and purpose on the flimsiest of circumstances. And finally, everyone they meet is either superpowered or trying to kill them.

Heroes is broken. This is how you fix it all it just one episode:

Like Buffy, they need a central bad guy that is beaten to a pulp at the end of the season. I think a necromancer would be AWESOME! Ghosts, zombies, dead superheroes, dead loved ones...that will really get the characters agonizing. Nathan sees dad, Peter sees dad, Tracy sees her dead sister, Bennet sees everyone he’s killed, Hiro will see his dad. So really it’s like Days of our Lives with superpowered whiny people.

Syler right now is like Mr Hyde just as he’s turning back to Dr Jekyll. He should find a superpowered weirdo that can alter the chemical balance in people’s bodies (as if they were on drugs, though which drugs and what effects should be up to the weirdo). Syler wants that gift. But the weirdo brings Syler to such a high that he’s stuck as Mr Hyde and will follow the weirdo around, until eventually he kills them and the drug effects does havoc on his mind. That would also be fun to see him toy with the others in the show.

Stop introducing new superpowered people. First there were some. Then there were more. Now everyone knows a superpowered person. Too many.

Next, Peter gets laid.

Claire develops the power to phase (like Kitty Pryde). This means that she can get out of sticky situations (especially with her family) without resorting to whining. It also means that she doesn’t just heal, but can actively go and by a spy, or sneak up on people. She then has to kill her dad (and does, but with the necromancer he can come back, until the necromancer is dead, and then she loses her dad again, so it’s win-win).

Parkman loses the ability to speak. This makes him bitter and forces him to use his powers more. This may also explain why he’s now good at drawing the future, because he’s trying to communicate.

Done.